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Learned Passivity
The causes of passivity (non-assertiveness) are many and often connected to mistaken assumptions and “rules” for living learned and reinforced in one’s childhood and youth. Some are absorbed from family; some through peer relations; some through affiliations with churches, clubs, and social organizations; and some from various cultural expectations. Some are learned by the example presented by significant others, some by injunction and prohibition, and some by explicit instruction. Themes inherent in some of these assumptions and “rules” include the following:
- Be nice
- Put others first
- Be cheerful
- Don’t be sad
- Don’t make waves
- Be modest
- Don’t be selfish
- Be self sufficient
- Be humble
- Don’t be needy
- Be satisfied
- Be accommodating
- Don’t seek recognition and reward
- Accept opinions of authority
- Don’t take risks
- Don’t ask for what you need
- Life is hard so don’t expect to enjoy yourself.
(Add others which you feel operate in your life.)
Although there are elements of truth in all of these “rules” when they are applied to some contexts and some people, it is the inflexible application of them to many (sometimes all) contexts and people that help create the passive life style. That is, when these “rules” for thinking, feeling and behaving are incorporated into an individual’s life in a dogmatic, absolutist way, they can become severe limitations on those self expressions that lead to healthy, happy, assertive functioning.
The Assertive Style
Being assertive involves direct communication of one’s observations, opinions, feelings and needs. It involves action and initiation, openness to negotiation and compromise, and the ability to say/act “yes” and “no” with firmness and commitment. When being assertive, you convey an air of confidence, strength, and willingness to communicate openly and honestly about yourself, your perspectives, your feelings and your wishes – without whining, pouting, guilt trips, blaming, avoiding, or attacks. Assertive persons assume responsibility for themselves and their experience. For example, Jennifer had been asked by her professor to give an oral report to the class about a group project she was working on. Although she had originally accepted the task, she later began to have second thoughts and approached her professor making the following statement:
“As I’ve thought about giving the report next week, I’ve become increasingly scared. I’ve never done anything like that before and I just know that it’s something I won’t be able to do adequately. So I’m letting you know in plenty of time so you can get someone else from the project to report during that class time. I’ll be glad to help that person gather and organize the appropriate materials. I also want you to know that I appreciate that you asked me, but I need to decline this time.”
Notice that Jennifer was respecting her own self knowledge, was respectful of her professor and his needs and clear and direct in conveying what she knew to be true about herself. She didn’t attempt to wheedle her way out, to make excuses, to tell herself she should do what she knew she wasn’t yet prepared to do, or to give in or accommodate to her professor’s expectations. She simply stated what was true for her and took a firm stand in her own behalf while acknowledging and respecting the needs of her professor.
Developing An Assertive Style
As there are numerous causes of passivity, there are multiple ways of overcoming it and developing assertiveness. One such way is noted below. You are encouraged to consider the sequence presented, and to focus on and practice each element in the sequence until you are confident regarding that element before moving to the next one.
- Acknowledge your assumptions and “rules” for living. Using the list on page 2, note those which limit your assertiveness and how they limit it. You may find it useful to rate each “rule” from “1-3”, with “1” representing “mild” limitation, “2” representing “moderate” limitation, and “3” representing “severe” limitation.
- Give yourself permission to become assertive in the expression of your thoughts, feelings (positive and negative), wants, needs, and tights.
- Study the “what” and “how” of assertiveness by observing people “in the field” who model assertiveness well. Identify elements as concretely as possible.
- Practice being assertive in your imagination – seeing in your mind’s eye what to do and how to do it, feeling the confidence to do it, and creating an inner dialogue with yourself that supports and encourages you to do it.
- Rehearse self assertiveness with a trusted and sympathetic friend by role playing situations in which assertiveness would be desirable.
- Practice being assertive in real life situations which have a low degree of threat and anxiety for you, e.g., turning down an invitation that you do not wish to accept, asking a favor of someone, etc.
- Practice being assertive in real life situations where the level of threat and anxiety are gradually increased as you learn to effectively assert yourself in all situations where assertiveness would be desirable.
Added Considerations
In all new learning it is important to reward and reinforce small steps of accomplishments as they occur. Similarly, it will be important to acknowledge and reward your various successes as you work through the steps toward being assertive cited above. The rewards you choose should be generously provided and tailored to be personally meaningful to you. This will increase your incentive and motivation to continue with this self-directed learning process.
It is normal to feel awkward and uneasy with tasks such as those outlined above when you first begin them. It is also common to be anxious about the consequences that your assertiveness may elicit. People undoubtedly do have expectations for how you behave based on their past experience with you. If you change and become assertive, those expectations will be upset. Hence, it is useful to announce to those who count in your life that you are learning to become assertive so that they can be forewarned. This can make the process less anxiety producing for all. Furthermore, announcing your change is an assertive act in itself.
When you are in situations where assertiveness is desirable and you feel anxious and hesitant, it is useful to acknowledge your feelings, take some deep breaths and relax your body and remind/reassure yourself about the appropriateness of expressing yourself directly and honestly. Remember also that skill and confidence in a skill are incremental – they develop step by step with practice and reinforcement.
One final word. Undoubtedly as you’re developing and refining your skills as an assertive person, you will be confronted with situations where assertiveness is advisable and you waffle, lose your confidence, “chicken out.” This process is also to be expected since this type of learning is a two-step-forward, one-step-backward type of phenomenon. In such situations it will be useful to recognize your temporary backsliding without self criticism, undue disappointment or despair. Belittling yourself over what you should have said or done is not beneficial.
Summing Up
Assertiveness is a learned skill that enables people to live life more effectively and happily. Recognize that you are the “resident expert” about your thoughts, feelings, motives, beliefs, wishes, and needs because you live in your body 24 hours per day. No one, therefore, can know your inner experience as intimately as you. If you are to maximize the possibility of having others know and respect the “real you”, it is necessary for you to be open and direct in expressing yourself – thoughts, feelings, (positive and negative), attitudes, beliefs, wishes, needs, etc.
You can do it if you’re willing to commit the needed time and energy to the task. You will be the beneficiary through the development of increase self respect, confidence and peace of mind.
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